Facing and overcoming difficulties associated with bullying is not limited to the primary school playground. It is a life-long challenge.
The Underlying Problem
In every case of bullying, whether it be in a school, workplace or elsewhere, the perpetrator has a major flaw. For a multitude of reasons, they feel unfulfilled, inadequate or insecure. Preying on somebody’s weakness gives them a false sense of control over their world. They crave that feeling, like a thirst which is never quenched. Every tear they see their target shed, each day they stay away has temporarily topped up their empty tank.
Unhelpful Responses
Sometimes, advocacy is important, but it can become problematic. Parents are not always going to be around to fight their child’s battles, nor is a teacher. A victim needs learn to get themselves out of trouble. Whether online or in-person, fighting someone else’s fights for them will not help them achieve this.
Whilst there is merit in sticking up for oneself, Dad is not helping by teaching his kid to fight back. Mum is not helping by starting WW3 with the other family. An antagonist’s behaviour is like poking a bear. It is only when someone responds aggressively that bullying becomes fighting. Both parties get in trouble and nobody wins.
There is another way. A better way.
What can teachers and parents do to help?
Empower the Victim. The bully is fueled by the victim’s response. If their actions do not elicit an observable response, the behaviour discontinues. The victim needs assurance that the behaviour is unacceptable and understandably distressing. It is important that they let it all out at home. Practice boxing on a punching bag, scream loudly into a pillow or let words and tears flow into a journal at home but never let them see you cry. A bully is looking for power and the victim can empower themselves by not giving it to them. This fake-it-’til-you-make-it messaging seems like a cop-out, but it changes lives in the long-term.
Listen to the Bully. This is controversial, however, it is highly effective in stopping bullying. Behaviour has a purpose, serving to meet an unfulfilled need. Just as somebody may steal food if they are desperate enough to eat, if they are hungry for power and do know any other way to feel valued or worthy, they take it from others. We respond with love by feeding those who need food. Taking time to be kind and listen to a bully can help them articulate their unmet needs and discuss various ways to fulfil them, without mistreating others, both now and in the future.
Love is always the answer.
Footnote
Bullying, by definition, is repeated behaviour where one person or party intentionally uses their position of power to cause harm to another. This power may be real or perceived, from a formal position of authority to age, physical size or social status.
